Unimpressive Ranting

At a loss for words

emnemily — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 02:30:10 +0000

I don’t really know how to feel right now. I got back earlier this morning for the Christmas extravaganza. Which was nice… I’m not going to lie. 4 days with minimal alcohol. Which is probably the longest I’ve gone without self medicating. I’m in a bad place right now. I just feel really unhappy with a lot of my life and I love giving excuses to my flaws. The three friends who were moving are now gone, I was unable to say good-bye to them before they left. Suddenly I feel alone. I’ve kept myself in my room for the past few hours. I’m trying to not think about it. Trying not to think of anything really. This is unlike me, not the trying not to think about things part but the locking myself in my room part. I realized though over Christmas that what might help this living situation is if I give myself more me time. At this point though I’m struggling to keep myself here. Six months and I’m out of this lease. The walls already feel like they’re caving in on me. Maybe it’s all the teen angst of this weekend rubbing off on me but I feel emotional. Far too emotional. I need to focus on the positives. It was actually a good time at home. I found out after throwing myself into school I got A’s and for the first time I have a 4.0. In about 2 hours ‘the boy’ will be home and I’ll feel somewhat whole again. That sounds bad but it’s true… he isn’t my source of happiness but being with him makes me feel like I can be me. The past few days I haven’t been able to be that… I’ve had to be what my family expects me to be. Even today I haven’t felt that but I’m use to having to pretend to be something else. Suddenly though I don’t want that anymore. I hate having personas. I hate not being able to be me at all time. I hate running from this all… yet it is me who does it. I wonder if any of this truly makes sense. I realize that everyone feels this way from time to time. Alone. Scared. Confused. About life and about everything. So I do what they say and carry on… because I have a really good talent of ignoring my problems. And that is just me being honest. As emo, angsty and lame as that sounds.

Confessions of an Office Slave- muted colors

emnemily — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:57:44 +0000

Everything seems so muted lately. I’s always looked like this, I guess I never realized it. The carpets are all a mixed variation of drab looking browns, beige and purple. The walls are an off eggshell with beige mixed into a crinkled pattern. The rich mahogany wood even looks dull. The stairs in both stairwells are all a muted blue color. Every so often a brighter color pops up like the oddly place muted pumpkin colored wall. Cubical are the same dull grey as the dirty concrete outside and the pieces of the building that are tiled are a mix of mucky looking blues. As fall lingers into winter the sky has remained cloudy grey and I realize my large wardrobe colors consist of something of old 40′s advertisement photos. Everything just seems so watered down.

I freaked out the other day when I saw some dinningware. Bright rainbow-colored plates danced across the screen. For once I felt like the people did when the first colored t.v.’s came out. I was mesmerized by the flash of colors which went by names of peacock, tangerine and lemon grass. It was amazing. I went out and purchased peacock, which amounted to a bright blue. I marveled at this dish set. It was after the shopping high that I realized how dull my life has become. I got excited my dishes. I’m 23 and I got excited by dishes. I don’t think I’m cut out for this office anymore.

I have an mission to rant

emnemily — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 19:17:17 +0000

Oh how I missed you blog! In my speech class we have been given an assignment to rant. One minute to rant about anything you want. My first thought was ‘hey I have a blog that I’ve been neglecting which I set up for this purpose!’ My second thought was how the hell do I pick one thing! I hate a lot of things.

-My living situation

-My lack of money

-Christmas

-Pickles

-Tourists

-Skinny jeans

-Half of the population

And that’s just off the top of my head! How do I choose one? Is it possible? I am taking today to try to figure out a topic that would work best. I’m thinking because it’s getting close to do my hatred of Christmas.

Other things that have been going on…

I’m busy. School has been great but work has been intensely busy for a usually boring office job. Halloween was okay. I went as a 50′s housewife. I looked hot but had to take care of some really drunk friends. I hate babysitting other people. It makes me very angry. My living situation isn’t THAT bad… I’m a little peeved off by the room mate situation. They are both not as clean as I am. Both of them actually owe me money. I’ve noticed a few of my things have went missing. Mainly food and a razor! Who the hell steals a razor?

I’ve been feeling sick the past few days. I’d love a day off but I know that isn’t happening for a while. I guess I just have to mope and get over it.

I must get back to work. If any of you have a topic to suggest please do… I need my speech done by friday. Any hints would be nice.

Dealing with life and loss

emnemily — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 21:17:44 +0000

I’ve lost a lot of friends over the years. Bitter fights demolished many of good friendships. I’ve had friendships that have just drifted away some so quickly that years later I was left wondering what happened. Now, in nine weeks I’m loosing three of my best friends. One of them has been a sister to me for the past five plus years I’ve been in Minneapolis. She held my hand when I had no one else to, she encouraged me when I was at my worst, and she gave me strength when I needed it. She has filled my life with joy and love in a way that I have never had from a friend before. I was part of her wedding to her wonderful husband who is also leaving with her. Without them I would have never strived to find the love that they have. The other is my now wonderful room mate, which has shocked me with the closeness that we have over the past few months. They are all leaving Minnesota for Oregon. A dream of all, a group of three, leaving for the ‘trail’ in hopes for happiness. As much as I have been trying to be supportive over the past few months it’s been hard this past week or so to take it all in. I’ve found myself close to tears at the pure thought of not having them around. I know, I know, it’s not like I’m never going to see them again… or like social networking. The thing is I’ve had so many people move away from me that I know how it goes. I’m trying not to have expectations right now. Although it’s been months since I’ve gotten more than an hour alone with the closest of them, the sister like one. It hurts. I don’t want them to go, and yes I know I am grieving the loss of them before they are even gone. I can’t help it. I want to enjoy whats left of my time with them here in Minnesota, yet it’s hard not to feel sad that I’m getting gypped on hang out time with one of my best friends. I guess that’s life.

In other news I’m quitting the nasty habit of smoking again. This friday I make my hopefully final attempt at quitting. Will it work? Join me soon to find out!

from vacation, to you

emnemily — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 05:15:20 +0000

Let me explain the first few days of vacation for you. Stress, worry, almost a skeptical point of view. I’ve found out that this along with my regular anger makes me fit in with the East coast population. I don’t believe I’ve been happier in my life. Of course add on the fact that if I wasn’t staying at “the boys” sisters and was getting laid… I don’t think I would leave. I love it here. My hard shell has softened a bit but I’ve found being in the East coast you kind of need a hard shell. THe women here are strong and wildly independent. the kind of women that maybe I wouldn’t get along with but I would admire. Being a Midwestern girl comes with its misconceptions. I know what I’m suppose to be. But… I live in fucking Minneapolis. I may have been brought up to be a typical Midwest girl that doesn’t mean shit.

Would I stay? Yes, in a fucking heart beat. It feels like home. It feels good here. I can’t lie Minneapolis hasn’t felt like home since I moved in June. The place I’m at isn’t home. It’s a place that my shit is stored at.

If think of where I’d rather be right now then home it be here. Away from the stresses of life. Being with ‘the boy’ enough to make me want to punch him in the face at least once a day. Maybe it’s the pure fact that back home I can’t have days like today. Where I get to place my feet in the ocean. Or get lost in Maine. Drink bloody marys and beer until I can’t think any more. be able to connect to someone who I’ve never been able to connect with. It’s days like today that make me want to dance in the streets. As I watched the sunset rise right before the skyline of Boston tonight I realized that this is what it’s all about. The little things that make you happy. The little things that let you know all the fucking work you have done was worth it.

With only two full days left I question my ability to keep it cool when that plane comes in. I’m sure I’ll ne okay. I know though already that part of me is going to be left here. part of me will be sprinkled all over the East coast waiting for the time when I am able to retrieve it again.

I’m alive

emnemily — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 00:16:00 +0000

I use to hate it when people did this with their blogs. Let them lie dormant and then post up that they just had nothing to say. It’s not like I haven’t had anything to say. I’ve just had about 8 million excuses on hand for why I couldn’t blog. September has been a rough. And yes I did only want to blog to let those of you who care know that I haven’t jumped off a skyscrapper or anything.

I leave for Boston on the first ever REAL vacation I have ever had on my own. 9 days, 400 dollars. It’s not much but I’m okay with that. October is going to be blogging month. I’m going to catch up on this I swear to you. For now this is what I have to say….

GO OUT AND ENJOY LIFE!

Under Pressure…

emnemily — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 21:12:39 +0000

The wedding I attended over the last weekend went well. I’ve been meaning to update on that but I’ve been stressed, which I’ll touch on soon. I became closer with the boy’s sister and cousins. I also made a close friend in Captain Morgan, who really shouldn’t have been my friend that night. The bartenders kept handing them to me like they were going out of style. I think I blacked out about twice. I danced my ass off. My feet hurt so bad I was walking around without shoes for a while and in the process lost my shoes. I found them 5 minutes before we had to catch the shuttle to the bar! I remember the second bar, slightly. Our bartenders were there and one of them bought me a drink. I remember it being water and me laughing for about 15 minutes. It was a blast. I woke up the next morning feeling like a truck hit me, backed up and hit me again. I lost a contact somehow. So I was half blind, still drunk and looking like shit. In the process of doing this I had his dad and brother walk in on me in a towel. Since the boy had to go get my clothes from the car, which I admit was awkward city. I think his dad then knew I slept with him, which is not good, but probably better than his mom walking in on me. Anyways I felt like throwing up all morning until we got KFC and I swear to you that was the best damn chicken I’ve ever had. I was worthless and spent the rest of the afternoon before we came back sleeping in the car. All in all best wedding ever!

I do have to admit the wedding was a lot better than I thought it would be. part of me thought that it wouldn’t be that bad. I mean society says that I should be married in the next year or so, right? Pshh… I’m pretty sure the standards for being married at 25 changed a long time ago. Plus even though I was in a dreamy state of wedding wanting bliss for a second… I remember his sister telling me about how much they spent. No fucking thank you. I still don’t see how all that shit could be so expensive.

This week has by far been one of the most stressful weeks I have had in a long time. School has been hectic and making me happy I only have two classes. Four chapters of dreadfully boring reading. Two papers consisting of at least two pages worth of dreadfully boring essays. One speech due tomorrow that needs to be three minutes long, memorized. I have rewrotethis speech so many times that my brain hurts. I still don’t have it memorized. Work has been worse than ever. One of my coworkers sprained her ankle and has been out of work for the past 4 days now. We’ve been busy as hell, I’ve been doing the work of 3 people at times. My head as wanted to explode. Somewhere in the process I misjudged my bank account and have about 10 bucks to my name. That might have to do with the pur fact my room mate didn’t tell me til the last second that our electric was about to get turned off. I have yet to sell anything on etsy which is extremely disheartening. All week I’ve just been tired and stressed. I still have class in the morning but I can’t ever start to explain how happy I am to get that extra day off next week. It is purely amazing.

I have two weeks until I leave for Boston on vacation. I hope to god the next two weeks are amazing. I might have to make good on my threats to curl under the table and cry if they’re not. I’m keeping in mind that I don’t want to get locked up for going crazy before that point…. hmmmm. I need to get back to work. Have a great weekend friends…

Wedding mayhem and the stresses of life

emnemily — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 21:23:22 +0000

This weekend I am attending the second wedding of the year. I know that I need to get use to attending these but it feels like even low pressure weddings include so much stress. I have my outfit. I got these spectacular shoes. I’m taking tonight to take a bath and paint my nails. I still feel like I’m not going to be ready when the time comes to leave, since I still have no clue where it’s at besides in the forest by a river in a National State Park not too far from here. It seems like it’s going to be the where’s waldo of weddings. Since this is a family affair, I need to look great and act perfect. I need to watch my drinking since I’m a little bad at that. The last wedding we went to I ended up getting a far bit too tipsy, I started pressuring my boy’s mom to take shots with me…. I tend to drink a bit more when nervous. I can’t smoke which is good because yes even though I started up again not too long ago I want to quit. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve made it through today with only one that I got at lunch from my deliciously, wonderful coworker. In other words I have to spend most of tomorrow acting like this hybrid of perfection. No pressure there right?!

I feel better today though than I did yesterday. I don’t know what came over me but I really need to work on that. I get in these moods every so often that I become completely sad and self loathing. I still don’t have a speech ready for tomorrow morning but I’m hoping to kind of wing it and get it over with…

On the note of quiting I’ve been trying to get myself to a point where I can look into other options for getting over my addiction. I know addiction seems like a strong word. Yet, after dealing with the withdrawals this morning I can clearly say I would have done anything for a sweet cigarette. I would have stole one out of a dead woman’s grasp if given the opportunity. So to me, yes I’m addicted. I’m really gonna try this time to no have one more. I’m really gonna try to not substitute my addictions to cigarettes for other vices like I did last time. I’m just trying to make positive steps for my life in hopes that it will help my self loathing issues and make me feel like a better person.

Positivity is nice! I’ve been dancing all day to a song stuck in my head. SO happy weekend people and try not to dance to this…

Are you there?

emnemily — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 22:27:34 +0000

So this week started off with a bang. I felt busy. I felt confident. I felt like a fucking rock star. Then today begins and really I’m not liking today. Not for what it is, but for how I’ve been feeling. I’ve just been feeling a lot of bad, self loathing energy. I have a speech due Saturday, which is only a minute. It’s an introduction speech, easy and simple. Yet, for the life of me, I have not came up with anything to say that doesn’t sound self loathing. I’ve thought of poking fun of my future profession, my odd turns towards selling out and my alcoholism. I know, I’m such a positive ray of sunshine. I’m just having a really hard time lately thinking of positive attributes to point out to a group of strangers that I really don’t give a fuck about.

The etsy shop is up and yet no sales. I know 4 days! I have to be over dramatic here… I’ve been marketing my little ass off. I think the wallets are cool. I think the wallets are marketable. Although in my head right now, I’m thinking that I must be the only one! I don’t want to waste my time chasing these dead end dreams of people actually liking what I create. It’s hard on me. Or I’m hard on me. I’m just frustrated with life at the moment.

I’ve decided to have a ‘me night’ tonight in hopes of making myself feel better. My closet is starting to look like a hole where clothing go for orgies. I’m going to go through it and donate a bunch of stuff that I either don’t wear or like. I’m going to watch Season two of the Flight of the Concords because it’s a fricking awesome show. Hopefully end the night by taking a bath. I need some time out from everyone, maybe that will help me out a little. Hopefully the stress I’ve been force feeding myself will be reduced.

Is there any tricks that you use to help yourself feel less blah? What are some of the things that you do during your ‘me time’? Just wondering….

new… life

emnemily — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 16:57:53 +0000

I started school on Saturday. I’m only taking two classes. Public Speaking on Saturday and Success for college on Mondays and Wednesdays. The class on Monday and Wednesday starts at 8 am. Yesterday I found out that I am really going to die in that class. I hate waking up early. It makes me extremely sad.

I started a new etsy shop yesterday. Which has it’s only blog and everything! Check it out at http://sewingonlyfortattoos.etsy.comI’m still rocking the other shop but I really like the idea behind this one. I’m sewing a lot lately, so it only makes sense.

I’m really loving life. I’ve noticed I’m kind of letting go of te wall I have up. I freaked a bit on Saturday, but I’m gonna blame the lack of sleep and booze in my system. It wasn’t a big deal. I think I need that.

I’ve will blog more soon. I feel like I have eight million things going on right now. Once things settle I swear I’ll get back to bloggin. I’m far too tired still to be at work.